TheoSpora

You know what God,

I’m done lying, not that it did any good anyway;
I might as well tell the truth…

I did it.

There was no accomplice,
no mischievous accessory;
It was all me, there was no “serpent made me do it.”

I wanted to be like you, to create like you;
birds would glide above my head, rising and falling in the wind,
deer would run like raging rivers, like packs of thunder on the earth,
Life teemed around me and I want to create,
to make these swirling, whirling creatures
I just wanted to be like you,

Instead, I found myself embarrassed, hurt, afraid;
So I pointed a finger and cursed your creation.

I looked deep within and found darkness that I could not explain,
So I blamed others, and when no one was around I blamed anything I could, except myself.
I made up fanciful stories of possession that were no more than projections.
I could not believe that this darkness resided within,
That you would allow us to live and treat each other like this,
That you would allow me to treat others like this;

You sent that man into my life,
I thought he smelled bad
He talked funny, low, incoherent, different
I sent him away.

Then I went to teach and cry out for justice.

A woman came with a problem,
My mind drifted as the melodies of her words carried it away.
“I wonder what I will eat.”
“Is that a siren I hear?”
“What’s on television tonight?”

Then I told her how to mend her relationships and be present with one another.

That child just wanted to show me something.
A bug, a cookie, a sticker,
I’ll never know.
Just a pat on the head, and a contrived dismissal,
“I’m too tired, gotta get home and rest, show me later.”

Then I went and told them how children are important and should be seen and heard.

I don’t want to be like this,
I wanted to create heaven, to bring about the kingdom of God on earth,
Instead there is only hell, only darkness, only selfish acts.

I wonder what would happen if I searched the darkness,
Accepted it as my own, my albatross,
If I was aware of its power over me;
Would my eyes adjust to the dimness, find the light hiding in the shadows?

If I searched, I fear that I would no longer find a Satan or devil,
That when my eyes adjusted,
I would only see myself, dimly and afraid, lost and lonely.

What if the only devil out there is one inside here?